getting off the ground

I feel like a bird with broken wings. I want to get off the ground and fly. I graduated in May and I see my peers all with amazing jobs and experiences. They are traveling internationally and meeting important people. I am stuck still in Western Massachusetts with a few crummy not well paid positions, trying to make ends meet.

I want a life for myself that is cosmopolitan and glamorous. I feel like I am going in a million different directions with my life. I have the energy and commitment to get to that level but I just have to find a direction.

I want to achieve that level of success that few can attain. I think I need to move to the city, get a better full time job, finish my education, and be more social.

I've had this quote in my head for a while now and its helping me to shape my plans and actions.

"If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done."

I think you alot but stupid no look you

I've always wanted a relationship with my birthfather. His name is Cesar and that's what I call him. He has never asked me to call him anything else. For the past two years since meeting him, he has consistently kept an icy dry wall with me. Our conversations have consisted of basic chit chat and is mostly on the listening end and rarely the speaking end.

On Christmas Eve, while having yet another dull monotonous conversation with Cesar, he asked me if I was sick. I recently had a surgery and the news was spreading throughout my family from Connecticut to London to Tampa to Bogota. I denied being sick repeatedly to him. Being a surgeon, he clearly had a good concept to the details of my "condition".

Finally he gave up and said that he wished one day that i would trust him enough to open up. My response was that I couldn't trust him because he never tells me anything about himself. I expected him to shut down and probably sign off.

Instead he invited me to ask anything I wanted. I proceeded to ask him about his wife and why in 2 years had I never met her or talked to her. He told me they had recently gotten divorced and that I would probably never meet her. He was living at his parent's house. He then told me that I would definitely meet his next wife and be a more active part of his life. He wanted my support in creating a new life for himself. He told me he is feeling the effects of living for his own happiness and disregarding others.

I then asked him boldly if he thought about me before I appeared in Colombia. His response in english was "i think you alot but stupid no look you". This was the first time he had acknowledged that I was a part of his life in any way besides what I asked of him in the moment, like a conversation.

It was the hugest moment in our relationship, even greater than meeting him. There was such a huge wall between us at that first meeting that I walked away from it with a photograph, a wall, and handshake.

I feel like there is new hope to heal some of the last remaining wounds in my heart. I have always wanted to be close to this man. i feel like my family is so sensitive and loving that it as was almost shocking that my father could be so distant emotionally.

This is a great turning point in my mind. I feel as though there are these jars in my mind that contain varying amounts of water with one jar almost completely empty. Without all the jars being full or having similar amounts of water I am not able to function 100%.

I am very conscious of my time here on this planet in this life. I want to feel love and I want to love and be loved. I am so involved in the image of Eartha Kitt. This most extraordinary woman who just passed lived each day and indulged in it.

I have much to accomplish in my life yet, I have to remind myself to have fun and appreciate what is going on around me.